I found this prayer by Henri Nouwen yesterday… and it hit so close to home for me. As I paired the puppeteer’s hand with the prayer, my eyes kept being drawn to this line:
“Lord, I want so much to be in control.”
One of the things that is driving me absolutely crazy about this new diagnosis is how much more control I’ve lost over what happens next.
Of course, being me, I immediately jumped on controlling what I could. I collected the necessary tools, I devoured the Science, I equally devoured the stories of people who also have Addison’s probing for every bit of knowledge that showed me how to direct what comes next.
But despite my best efforts, I don’t have a firm grasp on everything.
I can’t predict everything.
I can’t solve everything.
… and there is frustration but also FREEDOM in realizing that.
The truth is, even before this latest twist, I never had control over everything. I never really could predict everything that would come next. No matter how many contingency plans I put together or roadblocks I imagined – I couldn’t see every part of the road ahead of me.
… and neither can you.
So what do we do about it?
Do we keep trying to hold fast to all the strings in our lives?
Or do we finally let them go so that God can work God’s magic?
Do we continue to hold fast to the belief that we are the sole masters of our destiny?
… or do we let God in and allow God’s grace to guide us towards more than we could have ever thought possible?
“Lord, open my hands…”
